my inner monologue...
site by Andrew Seely
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I'm in a lurk-er mode right now. Sorry to all of you who have been leaving comments. I do go to your blogs as well. Just haven't had the motivation to post any comments or anything. Don't take it personal. Just chalk it up to the phase that I'm in right now.
Still trying to do some figuring things out and maybe then I'll be more motivated to say somethings and do some processing of my own, as well with you all too.
Know that I do care about what's going on in all of your lives and I'm not being a jerk to be a jerk.
I'm still on the journey as we all share together and we are all here to help one another.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Lots of things rolling through and around my head, but not really sure what or how to say any of them.
Will post when things become a little more clear.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I've been stuck trying to make parallel lines come to intersections. My life of recent has felt disconnected.
I'm trying to come up with a plan. What plan that is, I'm not really sure. But more or less I'm feeling like I've come to a place where I'm tired of just floating along.
Many of you who read this might or might not know that I was in search for a new youth ministry position. Over the last 4 or 5 months I had been talking to a church about a position. I ended up having two interviews with them after the previous youth director (whom I know well) recommended me as his number 1 pick to replace him. Then after the 2nd interview (which were phone interviews) I kinda sensed that things were on the bubble. Either they were going to really like the answers that I gave to many of their questions and my wanting to think about broad and big topics as opposed to giving very "boxed" answers or they were looking for someone who was probably more "safe" than I was willing to be. Not that I don't have a passion for youth ministry, but I'm really at this place where "the way it is" or "the way it has always been" aren't good enough. I really want to explore the unknown, challenge the status quo, do things that aren't typical. Which I can understand seem a bit unnerving for many churches. But that's where I am, and I'm not going to deny myself that just to get a job.
I guess that rolls over to my personal life too. I'm still feeling like I'm needing a change. I'm ready for something BIG. But I still don't know what that is. Or where to find that.
I have my life and the things I do. That's one line. Then there's all these opportunities and adventures out there that I'd love to follow. That's the other line.
For the life of me I can't figure a way to jump tracks and find a 90 degree turn that will lead me over to the other line. I can't even seem to find a turn off that might even lead me slightly off course. Not even a gradual slant.
Maybe these things I long for can't even be sough after with a slant. Maybe they truly are 90 degree turns. Maybe they don't intersect and I must find myself in a place where I can get close enough to make that leap of faith as if I am on a speeding car and must leap over the rushing road to another vehicle only a mere feet away but which will lead me on a completely new path.
As much as I'd like to be tied down to a woman or a job that I love, I don't have those things right now. I have the freedom to do ANYTHING more or less. What's stopping me?
Yes I'm comfortable. Yes I enjoy nice things. Yes I shop at trader joe's. I like these things. I guess maybe I think that if I do something else it means giving these things up.
Then there's seminary. That's always been an option and will be an option until I get there. There's a huge part of me that's resisting.
Not because I don't think I can handle it, but more the fact that I really believe that I need to process things in a real world environment before I go back to an academic environment to let more things stew around in my head.
But maybe that's one of my hang ups that I need to get over.
Well folks that's what's rambling around in my head this morning.
Off to the golf course, maybe that will give me more clarity or just frustrate me more so.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
from our cabin, shots from the same time, different exposures.
andrew+seely photo photograph sunrise mammoth,ca 1/15/08
Monday, January 14, 2008
I've uploaded some shots I took (while driving) (sorry mom) to my flickr acct.
Go here to see them.
andrew+seely photos photography mammoth,ca
I'm off to mammoth mountian for my first real vacation in over a year. I'll be back sometime thurs night.
It's going to be an amazing few days of relaxing, snowboarding, blogging, writing, thinking, praying, sleeping, eating, web-designing, photographing, and so much more. We have wi-fi at the cabin we are staying at so expect to hear from me.
Also really looking forward to the MacWorld keynote on Tues.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Sorry folks, no surprise. I got you and me all worked up for nothing. The thing that I had hoped would come through didn't. False promises and unrealistic hope.
I'm bummed as much as you all are. I still won't reveal what it was going to be, as is it might still happen, be it not anytime soon. But maybe, just maybe, in the not so near future.
The view of the san fernando valley looking north from topanga canyon, after a kick ass spin class with Lori K.
andrew+seely picture photo san+fernando+valley
Monday, January 07, 2008
It's late...really late...and that lateness has turned into morning. (I started writing at 3:30a and it is now 5:30a)
Yet my mind is racing, wide awake, musing, processing, dreaming, remembering.
My stomach is in knots, my heart yearns and my back is achy.
I just realized this is my first "real" post this year. I don't expect much, maybe just some late night ramblings of my unconscious anxious mind.
These last few weeks and months have been a myriad of emotions, rest, lethargy, hope, peace, work, wrestling, anxiousness, confusion and trying to make sense of it all.
I desire to come to conclusions and find clarity, but the more I try the deeper the tangle becomes. The rope may just need to be cut and we shall start a new.
A part of me feels confined and needs to be set free. Free to explore, free to roam, free to create and be challenged. I think some of this stems from work. You see, while I do enjoy what I do, and I know I'm good at my job, there's definitely a part of me that feels like I'm wasting away. That each day a little piece of me dies. It's not like a cubical death, I've already been through one of those. But more of the feeling that if I don't do something soon, I'm just going to start to rot, because I'm standing in stagnant water.
I'm a creative person, I need an outlet to try things out, to be motivated to use my mind for more than managing (people and things), to be challenged to think hard about things. I just am not getting that right now.
Which I think is a big part of how I am feeling.
I really miss youth ministry. Am I ready to return to it? Yes, no, maybe...
I'm willing to give it a shot. It's a process and I'm on a journey, one which I can never be fully prepared for. Isn't that what following God is all about? Going somewhere with nothing in your hands, no money in your pocket and just trusting that the process and journey will be as fulfilling as ending up somewhere, wherever that somewhere may be.
I understand that I come with risks. I'm probably not a "safe" choice when it comes to hiring a youth director. But in the same way I need a church who is willing to take some risks. A place that is a bit ready to step into the unknown and fully embrace that we are not the ones in control. It's a hard hard thing to be able to come to a place where we are no longer in control. Both in our personal lives but also in our spiritual lives and also in the life of a congregation.
Control is something that has plagued me as of recent. Especially within the emotional context. If you happen to be a new reader of this blog then you should know that mid last year I ended a relationship that has/had a deep and continued effect on my life. I struggle to understand the fluctuations of my emotions and desires and if it is even possible to control them. Maybe it's just something that I need to let run it's course or maybe I am being controlled by them and I need to be rescued from them. I struggle to understand and re-evaluate my understanding and desire for a relationship. I long to love and be loved, by a woman and to be able to give her all the same. In many ways I struggle to control both my desire to hold on to what is in the past and yet I struggle to control the urge to push forward and explore new possibilities. Yet I have to wonder if doing nothing at all is what I need the most.
Not to say that I haven't examined the possibilities of new relationships, but I honestly can't fully decide if I am ready to venture down that road. Which probably means that I am not ready. I have survived on the support of so many amazing friends that allow me space to process, to bitch about my current (and constantly fluctuating) state of emotion, and who encourage me be reminding me that I am loved and valued. I know I have said it before, but thank you to you all, from the depths of my heart.
So begins a new year. A new day of possibilities, only limited by my own faults and fears.
I am still excited to attempt to do a site redesign and possibly raise the support through ads to buy a new computer (see this post for more info).
I'm ready for a vacation and luckily I have one coming up. A few days up in Mammoth to do some snowboarding, reflecting, relaxing and some web design/coding, will definitely do me some major good.
On the spiritual side of life, I'm still trying to make sense of finding balance and desire. Over the last few days I have realized that my prayer life is in the dirt. I need to reconnect that aspect of my faith. Yet I am finding myself in a profound connection with the spiritual and the everyday. I am more alert towards connecting God with the day. Well at least at times. I still need to work on slowing down enough to fully be aware of God's presence, but I am finding satisfaction with knowing that faith is not so easily definable as just going to church. Yet I know I am missing a connection piece that I desire, which is tied to my continued quest to understand community and my role within.
I have greatly appreciated the companionship of one of my good friends who is also trying to understand his role within church as he is recovering from the pain of being disconnected from his community where he had invested himself greatly. We both love the church, yet find it absolutely impossible at the same time. We often talk about ways in which we can engage with others who have found themselves in a similar situation so that we may be developing relationships with people who are in need of some healing from the pain of going to church.
I am afraid for the church as a whole. The cracks are becoming more visible. And I am still unsure of what God is doing here and that frightens me. I feel like we are on the verge of something big. Yet I am still unsure of whether or not that thing is a good thing or a bad thing.
The same goes for youth ministry. The time has come for big ideas and periods of dreaming. Yet are we willing to try and fail? Are we ready to extend ourselves into places that feel uncomfortable or will we hold on to the pieces we love, even in the midst of those pieces sinking to the ocean floor?
I still have lots of questions. Questions of life, questions of faith, questions of love, questions of God.
I hope all of you are willing and excited to continue with me as I explore and wrestle with these questions here on this blog. That you in turn will be challenged and will ask questions of your own. As we together might make sense of this thing we call life, and in the process make God proud and seek God with every fiber of who we are.
My deepest thanks for your willingness to share my life and I look forward to this year ahead and all that will be contained within.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
If you haven't seen the movie Juno then go and see it, but stay til the end of the credits to hear the song vampire by this group (click link to listen to song).
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Well my source for the surprise has run into a few issues. Sorry to actually keep all of you waiting in suspense. I myself am now quite bummed I have gotten myself all worked up over not quite much.
At this point I'll keep you updated if anything happens.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Well folks seems we all have to wait a bit longer. The surprise didn't happen today.
Here's to tomorrow.
So take a deep breath (maybe for the first time today). Thank yourself for wanting to be a part of such a cool thing. Get some rest, and allow your expectations to build even more for tomorrow. Cause I know mine will. Then when you are ready hold your breath again.
< fingers-crossed >
I might have a really BIG surprise for you all by the end of the day.
Mind you I said *might.
So don't hold your breath. Well hold it some, since there might be news. But not long enough that you'd pass out, cause then you might miss the surprise. Maybe just until you turn blue but not pass out.